Splitting Atoms & Taking Names Since 1954
// Who We Are
Welcome to Atomic Dong — the world's premier supplier of extremely unnecessary nuclear enthusiasm. We don't just split atoms. We obliterate them, reassemble them, give them funny names, and sell the merchandise.
Founded in a heavily redacted location by a team of scientists who were definitely not fired from their last jobs, we've been the go-to destination for anyone who thinks "a little radiation never hurt anyone."
Our motto: If it glows, it goes.
// Our Offerings
Contains 4,000% of your daily recommended dose of unhinged energy. Comes in Plutonium Punch, Uranium Citrus, and Thorium Tangerine. May cause mild levitation.
Best SellerLook your best while you melt down. Our signature yellow hazmat suits, now with a slimming silhouette and breathable lead-lined ventilation panels.
New DropFinally, an app to tell you if your coworker is radioactive. Spoiler: they are. Syncs with your smart watch for real-time mutation alerts.
TechA four-week online program taught by three tenured professors and one very confident raccoon. Certificate of Non-Destruction provided.
LearnScents include: Fresh Reactor, Enriched Cedar, and Containment Breach Coastal. Pairs well with a glass of Heavy Water Rosé.
LifestyleA quirky piece of living art for your home or office. Each fish is artisanally irradiated and comes with its own tiny lead life vest.
Limited Ed.// Make Contact
We respond to all inquiries within 3–5 business half-lives.
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